literature

Every Objectivist Novel Ever Written

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Literature Text

CHAIRPERSON STRAWMAN: I AM THE SOCIALIST VILLAIN! I AM STUPID AND EVIL BECAUSE I HAVE THE WRONG OPINIONS WHICH IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL TODAY! PAY YOUR TAXES! SHARING IS GOOD! SIEG HEIL JIMMY CARTER!



ATLAS FAWKES: I AM SMARTER THAN YOU, STRAWMAN. YOU ARE WRONG BECAUSE I AM RIGHT AND I AM SMARTER THAN YOU BECAUSE I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG. ALSO I AM MORE ATTRACTIVE AND YOU ARE QUITE UGLY! DID I MENTION THAT YOU'RE WRONG?

CHAIRPERSON STRAWMAN: I AM LITERALLY TOO STUPID AND EVIL TO COMPREHEND YOUR PERFECTION! I DISAGREE WITH YOUR FLAWLESS IDEALS BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF FOR SOME REASON, NOW I AM GOING TO EAT A BABY AND MAKE IT ILLEGAL TO HAVE NEW IDEAS BECAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY A THING MY SIDE ADVOCATES!

____

ATLAS FAWKE'S LOVE INTEREST: I AM A FREE THINKER BECAUSE I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING THE AUTHOR, I MEAN ATLAS FAWKES, SAYS.

ATLAS FAWKES: WOMAN, I AM GOING TO RAPE YOU BECAUSE I AM A REAL MAN AND EMPATHY IS FOR MARXISTS AND WEAK WOMANLY HOMOSEXUALS AND I AM NOT A MARXIST NOR A WEAK WOMANLY HOMOSEXUAL BECAUSE I AM A REAL MAN

LOVE INTEREST: OH NO, I AM BEING RAPED! I SECRETLY LIKE IT THOUGH, BECAUSE IT’S A RAPE BY ENGRAVED INVITATION AND THEREFORE IT'S OKAY.

____

CHAIRPERSON STRAWMAN: WHEN I PRESS THIS BUTTON, ALL THE HEALTHCARES IN THE WORLD WILL BE SOCIALIZED!

ATLAS FAWKES: OH NO YOU DON’T YOU PUSILLANIMOUS CUPCAKE! I’M GOING TO GO ON AN 80 PAGE SPEECH AND THEN STOP YOU!

CHAIRPERSON STRAWMAN: OOPSY I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE MY SOCIALISM MACHINE BECAUSE I AM SO VERY FAT AND STUPID AND UGLY.

ATLAS FAWKES: WORD WORDS WORDS FREE MARKET WORDS WORDS WORDS SHARING IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS EVERYONE IS STUPID FOR NOT WORSHIPING MY EVERY FART WORDS WORDS WORDS

CHAIRPERSON STRAWMAN: OH NO! I AM BESTED! (dies horribly)

___

ATLAS FAWKES: I SHALL REBUILD THE EARTH TO BE A FREE THINKING UTOPIA WHERE ONLY MY OPINIONS ARE ALLOWED TO EXIST AND IT WILL BE A UTOPIA BECAUSE I AM RIGHT AND IT WILL BE FREE AND PERFECT BECAUSE I AM NOT WRONG AND I AM SMART AND RIGHTEOUS AND CAN DO NO WRONG BECAUSE I AM RIGHT.

LOVE INTEREST: I DEEPLY LOVE YOUR REVOLUTIONARY BRAND OF SOCIOPATHIC NARCISSISM, PLEASE RAPE ME AGAIN I NEED YOUR PENIS TO GIVE MY LIFE MEANING.

(and all the ugly dumb people died like savages and Atlas Fawkes repopulated the world with his perfect, superior spawn and they all lived smugly ever after)
I wrote this a while back for my tumblr blog . I decided to spruce it up put it here for posterity.

The name Atlas Fawkes came from a real novel by a real Objectivist about a nerd who becomes the richest man on earth using bitcoins because all the other currencies collapsed.

Seriously. It's self-published (of course) and the excerpt on Amazon is so hilariously stupid and full of strawman that it's almost self-parody
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squidwardfan101's avatar
Andrew Ryan meanwhile, reads these books all - the - time. He's a bit goofy!