literature

30 Tips For Surviving Trump's America

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Bongwater-bandit's avatar
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Literature Text

Are you scared about the next four years? We're all scared. You'd have to be crazy not to be scared.

Don't worry, I got advice on how to weather this storm. Follow these simple tips and you'll be fine. I think...

1. Invest in gold. Gold cannot be deported, and isn't inflationary like the Peso.

2. Stay out of ponds at night. The frogs are not as they seem.

3. Take pictures of the moon before Trump burns his name onto it with a giant laser. Do it for posterity.

4. Pray to Harambe for forgiveness at least twice every day. His wrath is swift and inescapable.

5. It is recommended you paint your face orange. Convince them you are one of them.

6. If you voted for Hillary, leave the country before your shadow disappears. It will be too late then.

7. Those who donated to Hillary's campaign will be invited to her underwater city, Bernie Sanders supporters will not be allowed.

8. Do not make a pact with a demon to reverse the effects of the election. The forces of heaven and hell have conspired to make this happen to punish us all.

9. Tell your children 2016 will go on forever if they do not behave. 

10. Do not visit Trump Tower, it lurks there.

11. Do not speak ill of the frogs. They will know. Then they will find you.

12. Build a shrine to Trump. Sacrifice a decent cut of steak every Saturday, it is the only way to appease the king in orange.

13. Avoid going outside if at all possible, they seek fresh blood.

14. Any meat consumed must be washed in salt water. No other meat will do.

15. The dead may not be buried until 2016 ends. They will rise.

16. Any image or likeness of Bryan Cranston must not be looked at after dark. He is no longer welcome.

17. If the moon starts to follow you at night, let it take you. Running will only make it hungrier.

19. The number 18 is forbidden. Anyone who speaks it out loud will be sacrificed come harvest season

20. Speaking in pig latin is recommended for sharing secrets, to keep the walls from knowing

21. Carve ancient runes into your pets and children to keep them from getting lost. Mantorok will protect and provide.

22. Do not try to flee to Canada. They're waiting there.

23. Make an effigy of a celebrity who died in 2016 and carry it with you. Their spirit will guide yours to the other side when your time comes.

24. Do not taunt the frogs, the dark waters can always carry one more soul.

25. Just walk away, mother

26. Anyone convicted of a misdemeanor or felony will be sent to the corn field. 

27. Think happy thoughts when looking at an image of Trump. He is always watching.

28. The best spirits to summon for protection this season are Abaddon, Belphegor, and Macho Man Randy Savage

29. Do not turn your back on an image of Pepe.

30. If you survive to the next election, vote for Hastur. 
This will save your life.

EDIT: Why is it so hard for you idiots to spot obvious silliness?! For fuck's sake I had like three frog meme references and you morons still though this was some anti-trump smear piece.

Ya'll are fucking dumb.
© 2016 - 2024 Bongwater-bandit
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hillbe's avatar
Humor is lost with some fools.

Most are in Congress